When Rex and I returned home in Austin last July (thank you all for your sweet comments on the photos posted on my Facebook wall and Instagram!). I felt much better as a whole person. I could just drop the entire project and move on with my life, focus on Rex and go back to school and find a job, etc., but there’s something deep inside me that just flat out refuses let me give up.
I spent the entire month doing serious soul searching to find the answers to my questions about my film project. Why am I doing it? Will doing it and reliving those memories be good for me emotionally and mentally? Do I want to just shut him out and banish him from my memory forever? Does Renny deserve to have a movie about him? Indeed, he is center of the story, but it’s my story. It’s also the story of many other women and men who experienced or are experiencing the life with substance abuse and domestic violence. It’s easy to look down at drug addicts and dismiss them, but ask anybody who knows, addiction is a disease. It is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde disease. I survived it, I may as well as use my film as the method of telling my story.
I know there are many more people out there who went through similar experiences, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one because I’m a full-time mother and I have to stay home most of time. I have to admit that I haven’t been to Al-Anon meetings. Renny encouraged me to attend one when he was attending NA meetings back then. I thought I could handle it. Man, I was wrong. I know I should have went to the meetings. I should also see a counselor, but I’m not comfortable with sharing my experiences through an interpreter. It doesn’t matter how good he or she is, I don’t like the fact that a third party is involved. I can’t always be sure all my information is conveyed 100% accurately to the counselor. It is already hard enough just talking about this on my blog post; I still have a harder time talking about this in person. I have to swallow my pride before I explain to somebody who asked. The shame is still inside me and I am trying to let it go. I saw this quote somewhere and it can’t be any truer. “There is no shame in making mistakes. All we must do is get over our pride and admit we were wrong.”
To many of you who wrote to me about your experiences: Thank you for sharing with me. I’d like to reach out to other people like you. Your letters help me building my confidence to make my film project happen. I also want to get in touch with the advocates too. If you know of any good support groups in the Austin area, please share in the comment space below. Catherine, my awesome producer and friend, and I are planning something really cool. We’ll make the announcement in a week or two. Last, but not least, please Like on our Facebook page and follow our blog! Thanks so much!
the broken phoenix 
I wholeheartedly wish you the best. I felt so much sadness when I read of the shame you feel… I, too, know about such shame, and I wish you peace and realization that there is no shame in honest love for someone you believed was trying to better themselves. I hear you again, on the counseling issue involving interpreters… I still bit that roadblock myself…. i even have a hard time trusting signing counselors because the deaf community is so small. Try the support groups again, its hard to go, but in the end, just listening to others in similar straits really does help. Good luck to you, Bellamie… I believe I speak for all those who know you that we are all behind you!
Thank you for your kind comments. I agree with you, talking with others and listening to others do help a lot. I’m grateful for people like you! Thanks again. 🙂
Bellamie,
I sent you a Facebook message when I first stumbled on your blog. After a busy summer, I finally able to come back and catch up. This post especially hit home for me as a CODA who graduated with a degree in social work. In my studies, I was required to do a field placement. In my setting I worked with clients, most of whom were suffering from addiction and mental health issues. Even while working, I couldn’t help but reflect on the deaf clients who need my services but unfortunately my internship opportunities were limited because of my school program. While I recognize the need for more, I know that there are licensed counselors and social workers out there who are deaf/use ASL (ex; Gally has an MSW program). I encourage you to do some research to find if there are any ones in your area. If you need help, I can do some research on my end to find them for you. I am glad you are writing again.
That’s fantastic! Email me and we can continue the discussion. Looking forward to hear from you again. 🙂